Yesterday seemed to be pretty emotional. I think I could be pregnant with Charles baby. So that has been on my mind a lot. I was trying to find an engine for my car. A guy that Charles knows said that he has one for $150 and that he can come check it out. Well Charles told me to message him. I message him (Marshal) and he told me $300 for the car. So I told him that from my understanding I thought he had just the engine for sell for $150. He said no in a more than harsh way. So me being the bigger person, I tell him, “That’s okay. I’ll keep looking. Thanks, man.” His response was, “Then why are you making an add looking for one these engines sell 150-300 all day. Y’all looking for a $20 engine.” So, naturally I lost my shit and responded with this, “Look you don’t have to be an asshole. I told you I would keep looking. You told Charles $150 for the engine so that’s why I messaged you. But I don’t need no pussy ass talking to me like this. I don’t have a vehicle at all and I am trying to make ends meet AND get my car fixed for my child. I thought you would understand since you’re a dad but I guess you don’t understand what’s it’s like to provide for a child by yourself. Have a good day. Thanks for nothing,” So much for thinking that I was the bigger person. Oh well, I honestly think it was more than deserved. He was just mad because I didn’t want to buy from him. I don’t have time to play games. On top of all of that, my boss, Scott, told me I have to basically change everyone’s schedule at work. I can do it but considering I barely have a crew, there isn’t much leeway to move people around to different schedules. Scott and Guy are the only people who are technically the hiring managers. So their responsibility as a hiring manager should be to look at apps and set up interviews. Well, they don’t. Usually it’s me and Dakotah who set up interviews for people and have to low key hire people. But what am I supposed to do? Considering that I don’t have enough people to make the schedule work well. I’m about to have a sit down with Scott and figure out what’s going on. Are they going to set up interviews with new applicants? I sure hope so. Other than all of my drama, yesterday seemed to be pretty good. My Nanny Bonnie, my dads mom, is wanting to buy me a car considering that mine needs a whole new engine. It would be so nice having a car again. I hate having to ask Chris for rides. I fucking hate it. He’s smothering me.

Suffocation

Woke up this morning feeling cold, tired, and lonely. I really wanted to just cuddle back up with Phoenix and go to sleep. Or with Charles. He is like a personal heater. Chris came and picked me up again this morning and I’m honestly just tired of riding anywhere with him. I know he’s trying to help me but he’s doing too fucking much. He keeps acting like I am his girl and that Phoenix is his. No. He’s just pushing too much for a relationship and pushing too much for me to “fall in love” with him. I’ve tried to imagine us together and I just can’t. It might feel right for him but it doesn’t feel right to me. I love him as a friend but that’s the only thing I can love him as. I need to tell him. Yes, I’m procrastinating on telling him how I feel. But I need to make sure that I have a ride and that I’m good. I just hope we can stay friends. I don’t think he would want to be friends with me after I tell him though. I need to take that risk before things goes too far.

Is he worth it?

I can’t get him off my mind. He came over for an hour and it was amazing. He saw my phone and that I had talked to JJ recently but he just wanted sex and I was not having it. So I didn’t text him back after that. Charles got upset and said that he had to go. He didn’t get mad or try breaking anything. He listened to me before he did anything stupid. Which was surprising considering that when he got upset usually meant that something was about to get broke. He kept a level head and it was nice. He had bought some CBD nugs from the new CBD store in town and we smoked some and it was awesome! He even let me have the first hit. It was sweet! We hugged and even kissed a couple of times. I wanted him to stay here. I wanted him to sleep with me and cuddle with me. I really do want something real. I want something real with him but are we meant for each other? I want someone who will be “the one” and I don’t know if it’s actually him or if it could be someone else. Right now, I want it to be him. But everyone would disown me or quit talking to me. Even family. Would he be worth losing everyone over?

Men…

Charles has been following me low key and freaking out on me over text messages. I hate he’s being so clingy because I really need to get my head on straight. He knows that he needs to get his head on straight too. Wade has been grouchy lately. More than usual. He wanted to come over and visit us at last minute but I have been visiting with Nanny Bonnie. And she has been looking for a car for me. So I really don’t want to be rude and try to leave early. I don’t know why he’s mad at me but that’s on him. Does he really think that him acting like he is towards me will make me want him? Uh, no thanks. I don’t want another clingy, crazy ass boyfriend.

Another day.

After last night, I woke up feeling a little bit better. I got to see Charles and it was so nice to see him. I’m still lost about the entire situation and I don’t think I’m thinking things through very clearly. He texted me good morning and all I wanted to do was just roll over next to him and kiss him. I had a breakfast date with Debra this morning at 9. Chris picked me and Phoenix up to take us to Steak ‘n Shake to eat with Debra. We are and made small talk. It was so good to see her. She’s going through so much and all I want to do is help her and be there for her. There isn’t really much that I can do other than be her friend. Chris and I went to Dollar Tree and then took us home. I’m glad he has been helping me out so much with everything but at the same time he has been coming on way too strong. I’m still upset about him lying to me about some things but he’s a damn good friend. I know he’s trying to help me so much because he’s head over heals in love with me. But I don’t feel the same. I just don’t. I love him as a friend but I don’t have the same feelings for him. He keeps forcing things. I know he doesn’t mean to but he is and it’s suffocating me. I don’t have the guts or heart to tell him how I really feel. It would devastate him. Eventually I will tell him but right now I need him around, even if he is suffocating me. Does that make it sound like I’m using him? Probably so but that’s not my intentions what-so-ever.

Hanging out

I invited Charles to come over and watch a movie after a very much needed phone call between us. It felt good that he was upset about losing me. I know he cares about me and Phoenix. He knows he fucked up. He was crying over the phone and kept talking to Phoenix. I miss him so damn much. After our phone call I texted him about an hour later and asked if he wanted to come over and watch a movie. I told him he could take a shower, wash his clothes, and eat. We watched a movie, he washed his clothes and took a shower. He had to tease me of course and it almost made me cave. He looked at the locks that I had and he put one on the back door. I feel more safe. He helped me around the house and helped me feel better. I still feel nauseous and food doesn’t taste the same to me anymore. But I tried to eat and he ate with me. Phoenix seemed happy to see him. She gave him hugs and high fives. She even started showing off just cause he was there. It was cute and only made me want to ask him to stay. He left and it just feels empty here without him. I miss him and wish we could be together. But do we really need that? I know we both want it. But is it going to be worth it? I really want it to be. I really want him to be with us. I want a future with this man. But my family hates him. All my friends hate him. But at the end of the day, all I want is him cuddled up with me and Phoenix. I don’t want to make a wrong decision. At times like this, I wish I could just see the future. Just 5 minutes of the future to see who I am with. But what’s the fun in that? I’m just going to have to take a risk either way and go from there.

Lost

Charles had fucked up and he knew it. After breaking a door frame to my apartment and shattering glass all over my floor, there isn’t coming back from that. He knew I didn’t want him or his anger issues. In all honestly, I did want him. I love him still. Even after that mess, I still love him. The only thing stopping me from keeping him around is my daughters safety. Speaking of Phoenix, she misses him too. She didn’t see all of that happen but she knows that something isn’t right. Her “daddy” is gone. Even though he isn’t her biological father, she thinks he is. She keeps saying “Da-da” as she is running around the apartment looking for him. We both miss him. But what is there for me to do? He doesn’t have a place to live. He’s living in his car. The mother in me wants to let him stay. But I’m worried the same shit will happen again.